Lebanon needs some love

So, yeah, Lebanon has no president.

He stepped down about the time you were tucking into Thanksgiving leftovers this weekend, after the umpteenth round of negotiations failed. The Western-allied, so-called moderate March 14 forces and the Hezbollah-anchored, Syrian-allied opposition just couldn't decide on a replacement for President Emile Lahoud by the time his term was up. Opposition parties have boycotted ballot sessions, leaving parliament without the quorum necessary to pick a new president.

Now, the Cabinet has assumed interim executive powers and martial law is in effect, with the Lebanese military handling security for a volatile land where fate (and some French cartographers) carved a nation that's approximately 1/3 Christian, 1/3 Sunni Muslim and 1/3 Shiite Muslim. Add in the Druze, Armenians, Palestinian camps, al Qaida's Levantine branch, Iraqi refugees and maybe a few Iranian Revolutionary Guards and you can see why this is no simple red state vs. blue state political crisis.

So, who's the man to lead Lebanon back from the abyss? He doesn't seem to be among the current crop of potentials, so let's cast a wider net. The Lebanese have given us the love ballads of Fairuz, steamy Mediterranean resorts and the most sensuous cuisine in the Middle East. Perhaps we should try a more romantic approach, along the lines of a personal ad. It might go something like this:

Failed state seeks new date. Country of good-looking, beach-going people who killed one another for 15 years ISO strong, presidential type. Let's start with reconciliation and statesmanship, and see what happens. We're not into sectarianism, we swear, but our ideal match must be a Maronite Christian. Eloquent and bold in a Nasrallah kinda way, sans the beard and turban. Sedate and reliable like Saniora, except not a crybaby when the Israelis come calling. All inquiries should be sent directly to the American or French embassies (no ticking or oddly shaped packages, please). Letters postmarked Damascus or Tehran will be returned to sender. Can't wait to hear from you! No, seriously, we can't wait...it's in the constitution.

Comments

[SP]

Does it have to be a boy? How about Nancy Ajram, she's Christian and has serious charisma plus pan-Arab appeal to rival Nasrallah's!

[Hannah]

Good idea, SP! Vote Nancy 2007. And by law, the speaker of parliament has to be a Shiite...Haifa Wehbe, perhaps?

[Edie]

Marcel Khalife? Any room for him?

[Ajit]

This ad is brilliant. Thanks.

The new president seems to be selected now. Do you think Americans and French are succeeding in separating Syria from it's Iranian Alliance? This seems to be the price paid by Americans for that.