Long-term foreign residents of China

These lists of  “you know you’ve been in China too long if” pass around the internet frequently here. They reflect how easy it is to get accustomed to the differences of life here in China. The lists always come with different permutations.

If anyone spots the equivalent list of the things Chinese find curious about living in the U.S. or Canada, I’d love to see it. It probably includes trying to muffle sounds while eating, and using a car for short distances.

Here are parts of two lists that have been floating around the internet.

1- A few shots of baijiu (Chinese liquor) don't even give you a buzz.
2- You're at an expensive Western restaurant and don't even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone.
3- A June 2001 Great Wall Cabernet (mixed with Sprite) is your vintage of choice.
4- When someone says 'snack', you think: salted cuttlefish.
5- You only drink beer from one litre bottles.
6- You get your haircut on the sidewalk.
7- You leave the 'Garbano' designer label conspicuously on the jacket sleeve.
8- You enjoy karaoke.
9- You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio.
10-The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism.
11- You have grown used to the picture quality of pirated VCDs.
12- Badminton and ping pong are your main forms of exercise.
13- You find yourself "getting back to nature" in a park that contains nothing but concrete and a giant revolutionary statue.
14- You smoke in crowded elevators.
15- You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly.
16- You no longer need tissues to blow your nose.
17- You find western toilets uncomfortable.
18- You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person).
19- Any discomfort causes you to think there might be something wrong with your 'Qi'.
20- You draw characters on your hand to make yourself understood.

Here’s another list:
1) The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.
2) You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
3) You stop at the top or bottom of an escalator to plan your day.
4) It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.
5) It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting.
6) You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply "Up To You".
7) You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes.
8) You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue.
9) You accept without question the mechanic's analysis that the car is "Broken" and that it will cost you a lot of money to get it "Fixed".
10) You find that it saves time to stand and retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is on final approach.

Comments

[Hugo Restall]

I recently did a post about how this kind of list of cultural differences has a long history (can be found at www.feer.com/tales):

Now compare that with the entry on “Topsy-turvydom” in “Things Chinese: Or Notes Connected With China” by J. Dyer Ball, first published in 1892:
“It is the unexpected that one must expect, especially in this land of Topsy-turvydom. The Chinese are not only at our antipodes with regard to position on the globe, but they are our opposites in almost every action and thought. It never does to judge how a Chinese would act under certain circumstances from what we ourselves would do if placed in similar conditions: the chances are that he would do the very actions we would never think of performing; think the very thoughts that would never occur to us; and say what no foreigner would ever think of uttering. He laughs when he tells you his father or mother, brother or sister, is dead; a bride that did not wail as if for the dead would be a fraud. He asks you if you have eaten your rice, instead of saying ‘How do you do?’ and locates his intellect in his stomach. For ‘good-bye’ he says ‘walk slowly.’ Instead of telling you to take heart and be brave when any danger threatens, he tells you to lessen your heart; he makes the most earnest enquiries, not only as to your health, but asks your age, and compliments you if you are old; he wishes to know what your salary or income is, what your rent is, and numberless other polite questions which we think impertinent. On the other hand, let no enquiry cross your lips as to the welfare of his wife; nor had you better ask after his daughters — his sons he will be glad to parade before you; but do not compliment him on the chubby cheeks and healthy looks of his baby boy, as any accident or disease happening to the youngster will be laid to your account. While you have doffed your hat on entering his house, he has put his on before receiving you. He shakes his own hands instead of clasping yours; he places you on his left as the seat of honour; and if he hands you anything he does so with two hands. He, perhaps, shows you with pride the set of coffin boards which his dutiful son has presented to him.”

[Tim J]

Very entertaining, Hugo. Things really don't change. The land remains in topsy-turvydom.

[chriswaugh_bj]

Except that somebody coming from China's global Antipodes would most likely be writing that in Spanish....

And one-litre beer bottles? Since when? The one in front of me right now is 600 millilitres, or 0.6 litres and it's a perfectly standard bottle of Tsingtao.

[Pffefer]

18- You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person).

Hmm, this one is odd as I have never experienced in the PRC, not even in some of the worst public toilets.

I doubt if there is a list of things written by the Chinese who live in the US or Canada, but if there is one, chances are it is in Chinese and you probably can't read it.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

Sheesh Pfeffer, have YOU ever been to China? I've seen cans of butt paper even in KFCs and McDs. Maybe you spend all of your time living on E. Nanjing Road?

Everyone knows about the cans of butt paper, they are as ubiquitous as the backspray on the walls of Chinese public toilets.
Oh, and no foreigner (save you) can read the chinese on chinese bbs'.

I know your type now, old hand bar fly.

[bianxiangbianqiao]

"If anyone spots the equivalent list of the things Chinese find curious about living in the U.S. or Canada, I’d love to see it. It probably includes trying to muffle sounds while eating, and using a car for short distances."

Nice suggestion. Here is my first try. More may be coming:

1. Saturday morning, when you are staying home and minding your own business, a pair of uneducated people make you open the door, demand to step in, and insist on sharing with you about "Jesus Christ our savior of the world", sometimes with cheaptly printed pamphlets with images that seem directly lifted from Chinese Cultural Revolution posters, you slam the door in their faces as hard as you can and feel great about your social skills.

2. You have to call the credit card company for a simple question. You feel relieved and in good hands if the voice on the other side of the line sounds remote and with a distinct Indian accent. You curse the day if the voice on the other side has an unmistakable American accent and an attitude that makes you feel you are wasting his time with some issue way below his talent.

3. At BestBuy (or some other store), you have a question about a Chinese-made MP3 player. When the sales clerk in store-issued t-shirt who looks "not-terribly-bright" treats you with an arrogance typical of third-world-country-taxi-drivers, you feel amused, instead of puzzling over it all day.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

bianxiangbianqiao:

It's funnier if you can keep the jabs to one liners instead of a small story. And for #3, the chinese made MP3 player probably is already broken by the time it hits the store shelves.

[Pffefer]

Heck, nh, do you even know where E. Nanjing road is?

Seriously, what the heck are you doing in the PRC? If you hate the Chinese this much, why don't you put yourself out of this misery by getting the hell out?

[Pffefer]

Nh, since Chinese-made stuff is all crap, you should be boycotting them. You might as well bycott everything Chinese. Boycott the air in the PRC by not breathing it. Get the hell out.

[sleepy]

Chinese-made mp3 players? My ipod (and probably all other apple ipods) are made in china.

[bianxiangbianqiao]

Nanheyanrouchuan,

You are goofy. I cannot bring myself to bash you; bashing the weak and helpless will leave a bad taste in my mouth for a long time. Besides, what you need is a cure, not a refutation.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

Pfeffer:

E. Nanjing Road is where you walk up and down trying to look important, hoping some foreign company will hire you or maybe even do business with you...that is when you are not at the bar proclaiming how much you know about China and winking at the bartender through those tired old eyes of yours.

Seems I struck a nerve, hehe.
Old, worthless bum. The police will simply through you into Suzhou creek when you die.

bianxiangbianqiao:
Seems you have no refutation.

[Pffefer]

Nh, I have never claimed that I know so much about China, of course I don't. It is your sheer ignorance and bigotry that struck me. People say many of the resident Laowais and expats in China are shit-heads and I didn't believe them. Finally I met one.

Speaking of being old, yes I am old (in my early 30's), how old are you? 10? Second thought, none of the 10-year-old that I have met were this bad. 6 Maybe?

Get the hell out of China if you can't stand it.

[bianxiangbianqiao]

I am making a list of “you know you’ve been in America too long if……”

1. You find yourself always prefer having to ask for forgiveness later to choosing to ask for permission first.

2. Saturday morning, when you are staying home and minding your own business, a pair of uneducated people make you open the door, demand to step in, and insist on sharing with you about “Jesus Christ our savior of the world”, sometimes with cheaply printed pamphlets with images that seem directly lifted from Chinese Cultural Revolution posters, you slam the door in their faces as hard as you can and feel great about your social skills.

3. You have to call the credit card company for a simple question. You feel relieved and in good hands if the voice on the other side of the line sounds remote and with a distinct Indian accent. You curse the day if the voice on the other side has an unmistakable American accent and an attitude that makes you feel you are wasting his time with some issue way below his talent.

4. At BestBuy (or some other store), you have a question about a Chinese-made MP3 player. When the sales clerk in store-issued t-shirt who looks “not-terribly-bright” treats you with the kind of arrogance typical of third-world-country-taxi-drivers, you feel amused, instead of puzzling over it all day.

5. You are combing the shelves at a spoorts goods store for a spare part for the bike. Turning the corner you find yourself face to face with a man in sloppy heavy clothes, with excessive facial hair and inadequate grooming and personal hygiene, handling a big rifle with an all serious expression, you no longer reflexively raise both of your hands high in the air and back off slowly.

6. Seeing the landscape dotted with armed guys in orange-colored jump suits, you no longer frantically tune the car radio to find out whether the inmates have broken out of the county jail and taken to arms. (It’s the first day of gun-hunting season, ignorant.)

7. Finding people in orange-colored jump suits with rifles and binoculars perched in trees (yeah, you heard it right, in the trees, buried in the leaves), you no longer suspect they are gorilla fighters waiting to ambush their enemies. You know they are just waiting for a poor deer to walk by.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

bianxiangbianqiao:

#1 was funny and to the point. The rest were too long. Also, its just hunting season, not gun -hunting season unless you are hunting for guns.

Lastly, most deer hunters don't wear jumpsuits, they wear a top and bottom with layers because it still gets warm in the afternoon during deer season. And you would not want to wear colors during turkey season because N. American turkey can see colors and know what orange means.

And the hunters are training to wait in the trees and shoot PLA soldiers instead of deer.

pfeffer:
early 30s or late 60s, sounds like you are in China for the long haul because you have no where else to go. I'll be watching ;-)

This is the true nature of bad, dirty China.
http://shanghaiist.com/2007/09/28/the_shanghai_sh.php#comments

[Pffefer]

nh, you will be watching? Who the heck do you think you are? What, you work for the CIA? Am I supposed to be afraid of you? hahaha, it is not working!

Talk about being dirty, of all the places that I have been to, no other place is as dirty as NYC. Yet I don't think there is anything wrong with it.

Get the hell out of the PRC.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

Oh, Beijing is much dirtier, so is Chongqing.

Bad, filthy, public toilet China.

Unlike me, you are condemned to spend the rest of your life in China boy. Suzhou creek is your grave, go check it out sometime.

And considering how long it took to tell me you are in your early 30s, I don't believe you. You are an old man who is stuck in China forever.

[Pffefer]

nh, if China is so bad and filthy, what are you doing here?

I can leave China whenever I want, but you I guess, should you choose to leave, the Chinese won't let you back in. Be careful, their powerful "internet police" might come knocking on your door and kick you out of the country.

So how old are you? 6?

[nanheyangrouchuan]

You can leave, pffefer, but you can't go home.

[Pffefer]

Nh, I can go home anytime I want. You? You are stuck in a country that drives you nuts, what a piece of helpless, hopeless, pathetic, self-hating, self-tormenting Sha Bi you are.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

Yeah, home to your local apartment and listen to people cough up phlegm. Home to watch CCTV until you are dizzy, home to drink cheap Chinese wine and eat seeds in a foolish attempt to be more "local" because that is your destiny, local.

Have fun walking backwards in the park old local bar fly.

[flybystar]

Oh dear. I was really enjoying this post untill you two started bickering. :( How sad your cultural intolerance ruined the fun. Now I just happened on this blog so maybe hate and sarcasm are common themes but this blog started out as a comedic look at the situations that make us uncomfortable while in an unfamiliar country, granted written retrospectivly as they become familiar. This situation is not one sided and personaly i found it fasinating to hear what a chinese visitor finds strange about the US. So apparently he finds Americans rude.... well so do I and I'm born and raised Texan. Maybe some understaning and sensitivity of different perspectives is in order.

[Student]

I have been in the U.S. for over 10 years. Here is my summary of being here too long:
1. drink beer without eating any food or snacks;
2. hang out in parties where all you do is screaming at the top of your lungs so people can hear you and exchange the same comments with different audiences;
3. Talk about sports as if you love sports when you don't give a damn about who wins;
4. Not flattered when strangers try to talk to you at bus stops -- in two minutes they will try to convert you into a Christian;
5. Being labeled "people of color" and getting invited to diversity initiatives to show your Asian face, even though you are not benefitted from affirmative action;
6. Learned to pay your own bill after a meal instead of paying for everybody at the table;
7. You feel comfortable to send a $20 wedding gift to a collegue instead of a $100 red envelope;
8. Tell your daughter when some white kid hit her, she should say, "That is not nice" instead of punching back;
9. Not feeling nauseated by the food at the local Chinese restaurant;
10. Leaned that attention and nice comments at interviews and other occasions do not necessarily mean people are interested in you;
11. realizing deep inside Americans and Chinese are not different peoples -- nice manners do not mean truly nice hearts.

[Tim J]

Hi "student," you're post is brilliant. I showed it to my wife, who is a U.S. citizen but born in Nicaragua. Yes, insincerity in social settings, forceful evangelism, weird guys with guns, Dutch treat, too loud parties with small talk, all this is a part of U.S. culture that I see could be very annoying to a foreigner. My hat is off to you for posting.

[rio]

Spot on 'Student'!!

Your last one is most insightful.