The newspaper of China's future

It’s almost April Fool’s’ Day, and here’s a mock edition of the People’s Daily Overseas Edition newspaper written at some date in China’s future. This satire is finding its way around on the internet.

Check out these headlines:

The main headline at the upper left, above the mushroom cloud, reads: “China Successfully Tests new Type of Nuclear Bomb on San Francisco.”

Next to it in the top middle of the page: “United Nations HQ Moves to Beijing.”

Are you getting the picture? It’s enough to cheer up any Chinese less than chipper about the future.

At top right, the headline reads: “Premier Wen Jiabao accompanied by Gov. Ma Ying-jeou pays a visit to Taiwan.” (In other words, Taiwan has already been absorbed into China.)

At lower right, under the NBA logo, is the headline: “Yao Ming recovers from injury, helps Rockets with championship.”

Smaller headlines lower on the page read:

“Chinese government Apologizes for Accidental Bombing of Pentagon.”

“Dalai Lama is Shot and Killed.”

“Major Earthquake hits Japanese Islands;
           Chinese government Sends Rescue Team.
                      No Survivors found Yet.”

“China Plans to Build 2nd Patriotic Military Base on Moon.”

It’s interesting that headlines play off not only natural interest in China growing ever stronger but also in seeing punishment wrought on its perceived enemies. Japan is abolished in a big quake, and the bombs fall repeatedly on the United States.

Comments

[des]

dude. we need to mellow out or something.

what is china on. someone be a pal and give us a toke or drop.

*disclosure.. I am chinese.

[des]

china needs to get laid.

[A B]

How about:

"Human Dignity Report rank USA last for developed nations".

[Sujatin]

Mmmmmm, interesting!

[Paul Carr]

It's called satire, Tim..

[Bill]

A B:
"Human Dignity Report rank USA last for developed nations".

No. It is :"Human Dignity Report rank USA last for developING nations."

[Panda]

Here's a good one: "Chinese aircraft carrier returned to Hawaiian military base for ammunition and food"

[Y]

Here is my version of April Fool's edition:

1. 2008's olympic turned out to be the last such event in human history. All the activity groups finally made their cases on human rights and free press under the watch of billions of sports funs and on the field where athelets were suppose to compete. News media enjoyed their populairty by reporting aoruond the clock as the dramatic events unfold, and being happy about finally having a chance to peak other nation's privacy.

2. The chinese government did collapse due to all kinds of free reporting, true or false, leading to ethnic hatred. There are 1 billions people there, and even a stupid lie or an innocent biased comment will be believed by at least millions of people.

3. China splits into about 20 baby countries each controls a few nukes. Talibans moved in from Afganastan. North Keora claim north-east part of the country. India claimed tibet.

4. 300 millions refugees from china poured into north america. Another 100 millions to Europe.

5. Ten years later, the refugee popluation tripled, and UN decided that it is time to find a place for them. They picked the west coast of north america, and named it "republic of chimerica".

6. History is a strange beast, and it may not repeat itself in exactly the same way.

[Marvin Foushee]

And people wonder why the satirist Tim Johnson is not allowed into Tibet to cover a riot: Your nuclear winter death wishes toward China suck!

[Marvin Foushee]

How many people are being waterboarded in America so that Tim Johnson can have a psychotic fantasy life in China?

[Marvin Foushee]

"Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The newspaper of China's future: (?????????????)"

All these links point back to Tim Johnson and his China Rises Blog.

"Tim Johnson gives birth to the Dalai Lama's one-eyed Islamic child."

"McClatchy: Trusted Voices."

[Junhui]

Marvin, I don't really understand what you're arguing about. But if Tim Johnson was pro-China; don't you think China would let him into Tibet to cover the riots?

I think Tim has been keeping an open mind about things; and reporting things as he sees it. If you don't enjoy the truth; then I suggest you go watch Fox or CNN.

[bemis]

I share Marvin's anger, against the anti-China mischief of TJ & many Western mischief-makers. Why? Not because China is fault-free, but because China-bashing so OBVIOUSLY motivated by mindless HATRED. Which is a no-no, in ANY religion, including mine.

[Paul Carr]

Marvin, you make an excellent point. Tim Johnson appears to be a satirist who is nonetheless blind to satire if is wrapped around an alternate political discourse.

But, I don't mean to diss Tim Johnson and his blog. As a matter of fact, I think he's a brave man. He goes to China, into the "belly of the beast" so-to-speak, to look under all those stones. From one point of view, he is doing what a critical journalist is supposed to be doing, to criticise.

[Tian]

I was gonna light-heartedly comment on the over-reaction by Tim to the Chinese version of the Onion. But frankly these idiots like Bemis and Marvin Foushee are just plain annoying.

Marvin your psychiastrist is trying to track you down, said you've been missing your pills.

Bemis you've got the biggest penis in the world. Now are you secure enough? Drop the paranoia.

[bemis]

Tian: Light-hearted? Dunno. But empty-headed? Yup, that you are! Correct idea is to have the biggest BRAIN, you Moron: with half a brain, you could HOPE to engage in intelligent DISCOURSE -- not descend to abuse.

[Marvin Foushee]

Tiananmen and Tim Johnson, your Queer State Department newspaper thoughts are not original. When the real April 1st comes around, why don't you kill George W Bush instead of the Dalai Lampa in your People's Daily NEWSPAPER. That would give the family members of 3000 Americans killed on September 1, 2001, some measure of victory in the [ha, ha, ha, ha] judicial process in America.

According to the real People's Daily, eight people were killed and over 300 people were injured during the riots in Tibet. Maybe McCain is correct; maybe China and other civilized countries should waterboard newspaper terrorists on April 1st of each year.

[Tian]

Bemis, i suppose it'll be childish for me to accuse you to have started it.
Nevertheless, I apologize for my original condenscension on you.

[Junhui]

I don't find what Tim posted as China bashing. In fact; if you've ever read my comments they seem to be pro-China. sometimes; there is more to politics than meets the eye. You see; this article was just showing what the editors of that piece of satire felt; their views; their opinions, not Tim's. Tim was just pointing out some stuff about the article. I actually found the article to be amusing. The fact that some of you took offense to it was amusing as well.

If I may add my two cents about the riot. I think both sides were wrong to have killed people, REGARDLESS of the number of deaths of either side. I don't care what the Exiles claimed or what the People's Daily said. Killing innocent people is wrong. Killing for attention is even more wrong.

[Jacob Newton]

Come on, what is the source of this article. Some dumb kid sitting somewhere making this up and we are all talking about it?

Give me a break. Reality check, China is still considered a developing country. It has 1/200th of nuclear arsenal. It has 1/20th of US GDP. It has at least 200 million people below poverty.

Tim, don't waste your time writing on this. You can do better than this.

[Tian]

I strongly share Jacob's sentiments. A nation of 1.4 billion will have all sorts of people, and more of each sort.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

Here's one:

2051 Dec. 25:

The world came together as every man, woman and child turned in the direction of Beijing and bowed solemnly for 8 minutes and 8 seconds at 8:08 am and later at 8:08 pm while holding Chairman Mao's Little Red Book.

Most people interviewed by Xinhua Global stated that they spent the day shopping, eating sunflower seeds and watching DVDs after walking backwards in the park while twirling their arms and expectorating.

All children enjoyed a fresh new pair of "crack-in-the-pants" as provided by their neighborhood committees and participated in patriotic, sustainable activities with Chinese characteristics like fertilizing the public parks with a non-phosphorous, 100% biodegradable substance.

Meanwhile, the Assistant Undersecretary of the 5th People's Consultative Committee on Tuesday Evening Recreational Activities stated that he would swim across the Erie Canal to prove the strength and stamina of the Chinese people to the world!

Best wishes for a harmonious and patriotic Happy Chairman Day!

[Paul Carr]

Jacob Newton, It never ceases to amaze me the amount of misinformation that is posted in the English language about China. China has 1/20th of the USA's GDP?!! (*) Are you kidding me? It's more like between 75% and 80% of the USA's GDP now. And, by 2011, China will leapfrog both the European Union and the United States to become the world's largest industrial power. By 2026, China's GDP will be equal to that of the European Union and the United States of America COMBINED. Perhaps, if people just had a little bit of information about China and where it is in its development, there wouldn't be so much misinformation around. To be sure, even with between 75% and 80% of the USA's GDP, the per capita income in China is still only a fifth of that of the USA. But, just go to a city like Guangzhou or Shanghai or Beijing, and view all the super tall buildings there and ask yourself, is this a country with 1/20th of the GDP of the USA. Don't kid yourself!!

And, Tim Johnson, I have an interesting assignment for you. The Dalai Lama I think is claiming that there are about 130 dead from the recent riots in the Tibetan Autonomous Region and surrounding areas. Can't recall the exact figure. I wanna know this. How does the Dalai Lama come to such a figure since his "government" is in exile? Do "sources" tell him down the phone, text-message, via e-mail or what? What are these "sources"? Perhaps, you can ask the Dalai Lama and his people to identify them to you and, if he doesn't, isn't that a good enough reason to cast doubt upon their figures. It sounds to me like the work of a journalist, don't you think?

Here's an article from March 24th:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080324/wl_afp/chinaunresttibetrightsolychn2008_080324142456

"Tibet's prime minister-in-exile, Samdhong Rinpoche, said from his base in Dharamshala, India that about 130 people had been confirmed killed in a Chinese crackdown on the protests, up from a figure of 99 given last week."

How can he *confirm* this if he's not even in Tibet or China? His "government" in exile is based in Dharamsala in India. I'll give you an answer here and now. He can't!! This is from yahoo, a mainstream USA news portal.

The Chinese government, by contrast, puts the figure at much lower. 19 from this article from March 22nd.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080322/ts_nm/china_tibet_dc

You know what annoys me. Sections of the western media appear to grant equivalence to both the Dalai Lama's death toll and the figure given of the Chinese government that puts the death toll a lot lower. How can that be? I mean, first off, the Dalai Lama, isn't even in China. So, how can he verify or confirm his figure of 130 dead? And why do some of the western media give equal weight to his figure and that of the Chinese government's?

(*) And, here's the hilarious part. You preface your assertion that China's GDP is 1/20th of that of the USA's with a lecture to the rest of us to have a "reality check". Sounds more like a fantasy check to me.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

@ Paul Carr:

Haven't heard a foreigner gobble regurgitate so much CCP crap in a while. Go lick a panda and do some real numbers checking. Even the World Bank knocked down China's and India's GDP by 40%. And China's real numbers are a matter of national security ie no one sees them.

And your support of the slaughter in Tibet is disgusting. Spend the rest of your life in China, the West has no need for you.

[ABC]

From Wu Zengding: The Chinese intellectuals are caught in an embarrassing situation. They have artificially constructed a myth of Western civilization to replace the real truth of Western civilization. But then they do not realize that herein lies the real myth of the West. What the Chinese intellectuals have imagined to be Western civilization is in fact a manufactured product. For centuries, the West has concocted many myths, the biggest myth it concocted being: The West is the true civilization, while non-Westerners are savages. It is not surprising that modern Western political thinkers, in constructing a concept of nation, without exception, juxtapose the two concepts of “state of nature” and “civilized society.” In their view, the “state of nature” represents barbarism, ignorance and disorder, while “civilized society” of course means civilization, rationality and order. In historic terms, the “state of society” has expanded continuously from representing the Native American peoples in the seventeenth century to encompass the African people in the eighteenth century, and ultimately to include Indians, Chinese and other Eastern people in the nineteenth century. Suffice to say that in Western eyes, non-Western people are barbaric in nature, the West being the only true civilization; thus since the barbarians need to be “brought to order” by a rational and civilized society, the domination of the West and the subjugation of the non-West is perfectly justified.