The newspaper of China's future

It’s almost April Fool’s’ Day, and here’s a mock edition of the People’s Daily Overseas Edition newspaper written at some date in China’s future. This satire is finding its way around on the internet.

Check out these headlines:

The main headline at the upper left, above the mushroom cloud, reads: “China Successfully Tests new Type of Nuclear Bomb on San Francisco.”

Next to it in the top middle of the page: “United Nations HQ Moves to Beijing.”

Are you getting the picture? It’s enough to cheer up any Chinese less than chipper about the future.

At top right, the headline reads: “Premier Wen Jiabao accompanied by Gov. Ma Ying-jeou pays a visit to Taiwan.” (In other words, Taiwan has already been absorbed into China.)

At lower right, under the NBA logo, is the headline: “Yao Ming recovers from injury, helps Rockets with championship.”

Smaller headlines lower on the page read:

“Chinese government Apologizes for Accidental Bombing of Pentagon.”

“Dalai Lama is Shot and Killed.”

“Major Earthquake hits Japanese Islands;
           Chinese government Sends Rescue Team.
                      No Survivors found Yet.”

“China Plans to Build 2nd Patriotic Military Base on Moon.”

It’s interesting that headlines play off not only natural interest in China growing ever stronger but also in seeing punishment wrought on its perceived enemies. Japan is abolished in a big quake, and the bombs fall repeatedly on the United States.

Comments

[des]

dude. we need to mellow out or something.

what is china on. someone be a pal and give us a toke or drop.

*disclosure.. I am chinese.

[des]

china needs to get laid.

[A B]

How about:

"Human Dignity Report rank USA last for developed nations".

[Sujatin]

Mmmmmm, interesting!

[Paul Carr]

It's called satire, Tim..

[Bill]

A B:
"Human Dignity Report rank USA last for developed nations".

No. It is :"Human Dignity Report rank USA last for developING nations."

[Panda]

Here's a good one: "Chinese aircraft carrier returned to Hawaiian military base for ammunition and food"

[Y]

Here is my version of April Fool's edition:

1. 2008's olympic turned out to be the last such event in human history. All the activity groups finally made their cases on human rights and free press under the watch of billions of sports funs and on the field where athelets were suppose to compete. News media enjoyed their populairty by reporting aoruond the clock as the dramatic events unfold, and being happy about finally having a chance to peak other nation's privacy.

2. The chinese government did collapse due to all kinds of free reporting, true or false, leading to ethnic hatred. There are 1 billions people there, and even a stupid lie or an innocent biased comment will be believed by at least millions of people.

3. China splits into about 20 baby countries each controls a few nukes. Talibans moved in from Afganastan. North Keora claim north-east part of the country. India claimed tibet.

4. 300 millions refugees from china poured into north america. Another 100 millions to Europe.

5. Ten years later, the refugee popluation tripled, and UN decided that it is time to find a place for them. They picked the west coast of north america, and named it "republic of chimerica".

6. History is a strange beast, and it may not repeat itself in exactly the same way.

[Marvin Foushee]

And people wonder why the satirist Tim Johnson is not allowed into Tibet to cover a riot: Your nuclear winter death wishes toward China suck!

[Marvin Foushee]

How many people are being waterboarded in America so that Tim Johnson can have a psychotic fantasy life in China?

[Marvin Foushee]

"Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The newspaper of China's future: (?????????????)"

All these links point back to Tim Johnson and his China Rises Blog.

"Tim Johnson gives birth to the Dalai Lama's one-eyed Islamic child."

"McClatchy: Trusted Voices."

[Junhui]

Marvin, I don't really understand what you're arguing about. But if Tim Johnson was pro-China; don't you think China would let him into Tibet to cover the riots?

I think Tim has been keeping an open mind about things; and reporting things as he sees it. If you don't enjoy the truth; then I suggest you go watch Fox or CNN.

[bemis]

I share Marvin's anger, against the anti-China mischief of TJ & many Western mischief-makers. Why? Not because China is fault-free, but because China-bashing so OBVIOUSLY motivated by mindless HATRED. Which is a no-no, in ANY religion, including mine.

[Paul Carr]

Marvin, you make an excellent point. Tim Johnson appears to be a satirist who is nonetheless blind to satire if is wrapped around an alternate political discourse.

But, I don't mean to diss Tim Johnson and his blog. As a matter of fact, I think he's a brave man. He goes to China, into the "belly of the beast" so-to-speak, to look under all those stones. From one point of view, he is doing what a critical journalist is supposed to be doing, to criticise.

[Tian]

I was gonna light-heartedly comment on the over-reaction by Tim to the Chinese version of the Onion. But frankly these idiots like Bemis and Marvin Foushee are just plain annoying.

Marvin your psychiastrist is trying to track you down, said you've been missing your pills.

Bemis you've got the biggest penis in the world. Now are you secure enough? Drop the paranoia.

[bemis]

Tian: Light-hearted? Dunno. But empty-headed? Yup, that you are! Correct idea is to have the biggest BRAIN, you Moron: with half a brain, you could HOPE to engage in intelligent DISCOURSE -- not descend to abuse.

[Marvin Foushee]

Tiananmen and Tim Johnson, your Queer State Department newspaper thoughts are not original. When the real April 1st comes around, why don't you kill George W Bush instead of the Dalai Lampa in your People's Daily NEWSPAPER. That would give the family members of 3000 Americans killed on September 1, 2001, some measure of victory in the [ha, ha, ha, ha] judicial process in America.

According to the real People's Daily, eight people were killed and over 300 people were injured during the riots in Tibet. Maybe McCain is correct; maybe China and other civilized countries should waterboard newspaper terrorists on April 1st of each year.

[Tian]

Bemis, i suppose it'll be childish for me to accuse you to have started it.
Nevertheless, I apologize for my original condenscension on you.

[Junhui]

I don't find what Tim posted as China bashing. In fact; if you've ever read my comments they seem to be pro-China. sometimes; there is more to politics than meets the eye. You see; this article was just showing what the editors of that piece of satire felt; their views; their opinions, not Tim's. Tim was just pointing out some stuff about the article. I actually found the article to be amusing. The fact that some of you took offense to it was amusing as well.

If I may add my two cents about the riot. I think both sides were wrong to have killed people, REGARDLESS of the number of deaths of either side. I don't care what the Exiles claimed or what the People's Daily said. Killing innocent people is wrong. Killing for attention is even more wrong.

[Jacob Newton]

Come on, what is the source of this article. Some dumb kid sitting somewhere making this up and we are all talking about it?

Give me a break. Reality check, China is still considered a developing country. It has 1/200th of nuclear arsenal. It has 1/20th of US GDP. It has at least 200 million people below poverty.

Tim, don't waste your time writing on this. You can do better than this.

[Tian]

I strongly share Jacob's sentiments. A nation of 1.4 billion will have all sorts of people, and more of each sort.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

Here's one:

2051 Dec. 25:

The world came together as every man, woman and child turned in the direction of Beijing and bowed solemnly for 8 minutes and 8 seconds at 8:08 am and later at 8:08 pm while holding Chairman Mao's Little Red Book.

Most people interviewed by Xinhua Global stated that they spent the day shopping, eating sunflower seeds and watching DVDs after walking backwards in the park while twirling their arms and expectorating.

All children enjoyed a fresh new pair of "crack-in-the-pants" as provided by their neighborhood committees and participated in patriotic, sustainable activities with Chinese characteristics like fertilizing the public parks with a non-phosphorous, 100% biodegradable substance.

Meanwhile, the Assistant Undersecretary of the 5th People's Consultative Committee on Tuesday Evening Recreational Activities stated that he would swim across the Erie Canal to prove the strength and stamina of the Chinese people to the world!

Best wishes for a harmonious and patriotic Happy Chairman Day!

[Paul Carr]

Jacob Newton, It never ceases to amaze me the amount of misinformation that is posted in the English language about China. China has 1/20th of the USA's GDP?!! (*) Are you kidding me? It's more like between 75% and 80% of the USA's GDP now. And, by 2011, China will leapfrog both the European Union and the United States to become the world's largest industrial power. By 2026, China's GDP will be equal to that of the European Union and the United States of America COMBINED. Perhaps, if people just had a little bit of information about China and where it is in its development, there wouldn't be so much misinformation around. To be sure, even with between 75% and 80% of the USA's GDP, the per capita income in China is still only a fifth of that of the USA. But, just go to a city like Guangzhou or Shanghai or Beijing, and view all the super tall buildings there and ask yourself, is this a country with 1/20th of the GDP of the USA. Don't kid yourself!!

And, Tim Johnson, I have an interesting assignment for you. The Dalai Lama I think is claiming that there are about 130 dead from the recent riots in the Tibetan Autonomous Region and surrounding areas. Can't recall the exact figure. I wanna know this. How does the Dalai Lama come to such a figure since his "government" is in exile? Do "sources" tell him down the phone, text-message, via e-mail or what? What are these "sources"? Perhaps, you can ask the Dalai Lama and his people to identify them to you and, if he doesn't, isn't that a good enough reason to cast doubt upon their figures. It sounds to me like the work of a journalist, don't you think?

Here's an article from March 24th:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080324/wl_afp/chinaunresttibetrightsolychn2008_080324142456

"Tibet's prime minister-in-exile, Samdhong Rinpoche, said from his base in Dharamshala, India that about 130 people had been confirmed killed in a Chinese crackdown on the protests, up from a figure of 99 given last week."

How can he *confirm* this if he's not even in Tibet or China? His "government" in exile is based in Dharamsala in India. I'll give you an answer here and now. He can't!! This is from yahoo, a mainstream USA news portal.

The Chinese government, by contrast, puts the figure at much lower. 19 from this article from March 22nd.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080322/ts_nm/china_tibet_dc

You know what annoys me. Sections of the western media appear to grant equivalence to both the Dalai Lama's death toll and the figure given of the Chinese government that puts the death toll a lot lower. How can that be? I mean, first off, the Dalai Lama, isn't even in China. So, how can he verify or confirm his figure of 130 dead? And why do some of the western media give equal weight to his figure and that of the Chinese government's?

(*) And, here's the hilarious part. You preface your assertion that China's GDP is 1/20th of that of the USA's with a lecture to the rest of us to have a "reality check". Sounds more like a fantasy check to me.

[nanheyangrouchuan]

@ Paul Carr:

Haven't heard a foreigner gobble regurgitate so much CCP crap in a while. Go lick a panda and do some real numbers checking. Even the World Bank knocked down China's and India's GDP by 40%. And China's real numbers are a matter of national security ie no one sees them.

And your support of the slaughter in Tibet is disgusting. Spend the rest of your life in China, the West has no need for you.

[ABC]

From Wu Zengding: The Chinese intellectuals are caught in an embarrassing situation. They have artificially constructed a myth of Western civilization to replace the real truth of Western civilization. But then they do not realize that herein lies the real myth of the West. What the Chinese intellectuals have imagined to be Western civilization is in fact a manufactured product. For centuries, the West has concocted many myths, the biggest myth it concocted being: The West is the true civilization, while non-Westerners are savages. It is not surprising that modern Western political thinkers, in constructing a concept of nation, without exception, juxtapose the two concepts of “state of nature” and “civilized society.” In their view, the “state of nature” represents barbarism, ignorance and disorder, while “civilized society” of course means civilization, rationality and order. In historic terms, the “state of society” has expanded continuously from representing the Native American peoples in the seventeenth century to encompass the African people in the eighteenth century, and ultimately to include Indians, Chinese and other Eastern people in the nineteenth century. Suffice to say that in Western eyes, non-Western people are barbaric in nature, the West being the only true civilization; thus since the barbarians need to be “brought to order” by a rational and civilized society, the domination of the West and the subjugation of the non-West is perfectly justified.

[ABC]

From Kishore Manhubani: "A profound revival of China’s civilization is occurring. Many in the West cannot even conceive of this because in their view an “unfree” society like China cannot possibly be progressing. This Western incapacity to see how happy most Chinese are with their current condition reveals how ideologically biased Western observers have become. The Western mind cannot conceive of the possibility that the “unfree” people of China could possibly be happy."

[the tank man]

To ABC:

No doubt you are some narcissistic nationalist or communist that is trying to fool people around both from other countries and people in China, and probably yourself excluded, by indicating that the 1.4 billion chinese people are HYLARIOUSLY advancing into what's so called COMMUNIST SOCIETY,in which they would be happily ever after. the fact however is that VAST MAJORITY of chinese people are NOT happy at all. soaring inflation,horrible traffic congestion,toxic air pollution,widening gab between the have and the have-not, and besides these problems every single chinese has to confront every day, there are tons of problems stem from this despotic and totalitarian government.
and like most younger generation in the under class, we lack the sense of security living in China,both politically and financially. we have no idea who is gonna be the mayor of the city we are living in ;We have little understanding how the government is running on and most importantly we don't have the right to the truth.We are brainwashed.We are fucked. We are living on the verge of surviving.That is not an exaggeration, it is what most chinese citizens are going through.

So i believe the only way to get myself out of this disturbing situation is to break out of this country.
and if give me a chance to break out of this country , i would fight off whatever it stops me to do so!

[nanheyangrouchuan]

@ABC:

"For centuries, the West has concocted many myths, the biggest myth it concocted being: The West is the true civilization, while non-Westerners are savages"

You are projecting the image that China has of itself and the outside world.

"The Western mind cannot conceive of the possibility that the “unfree” people of China could possibly be happy.""

What reinforces that idea is that soooo many Chinese who graduate from college in the West want to stay.

[Y]

The discussions are getting out of points. Is this because of April fool's day.
Hehe, come on fellows, give it a break.

---It is always risk-free to support your enemy's enemy---

[Y]

I happened to witnessed part of the 1989 event where the tankman become an icon - a very touching one.

I left the square because I got sick of all kinds of rumors the purpose of which is simply to persuad the innocent students to stay to the point where there is no possibility to have a resolution. Who created those rumors?

The British journalist who predicted that the Beijing gorvernment was about to collapse in 1989 is going back to China to reflect how wrong he was --- he should, should he? Hope that he is not going to produce another one. If it were me, I would be so embarrased that I will never touch the topic of China again.

[Yang Bao]

The fact that China always has to show that it HATES the foreign nations in order to gain respect from the world, makes me ashamed to be Chinese. Anger does not get us anywhere.

I myself do respect other nations, but sadly China does not respect anyone. Even the Chinese communist government does not respect it's own Chinese citizens.. .having killed millions during their rule.

[Paul Carr]

@nanheyangrouchuan

From:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_GDP_%28PPP%29

The International Monetary Fund estimates China's GDP derived from purchasing power calculations for the year 2007 at 11,606,336 million international dollars. The USA stands at 13,543,330 million international dollars using the same calculations and for the same year. The GDP of the European Union stands at 14,953,057 million international dollars using the same calculations and for the same year.

So is the International Monetary Fund a panda licker too?

I unequivocably condemn the actions of the rioters in Lhasa and elsewhere in China. From this report, last updated on the 22nd of March, at http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2008-03/22/content_6557829.htm) in Lhasa, "Rioters set fire to seven schools, five hospitals and 120 residences, Eighty-four vehicles were burnt down and 908 shops were looted."

From this xinhua report last updated on the 24th of March,

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2008-03/24/content_6559963.htm

On the 16th of March, 5 people including an 8 year old baby were burnt to death in a motorcycle garage by rioters.

The vast majority of Tibetan people are loyal Chinese citizens who, like me, absolutely and unequivocably condemn the actions of these vicious thugs.

[Yang Bao]

As a Chinese who have travelled to and lived many foreign countries (Western Europe, Canada, USA, etc) I have to say it's an eye opener to experienced how civilized and free their socities are compared to China. I hope many more Chinese can migrate to other nations and see the whole world, learn the truth. Instead of reading government propaganda in China.

Here I am in Canada with access to 120 news channel, radio and tv, dozens of newspapers, many in Chinese language... all presenting different views on all issues. In China, it's just the one view from narrow minded CCP.

The world outside is a much bigger place than just China, and I do hope many Chinese can experience it and learn the truth.

Obviously, the millions of Chinese who have left China, and are now raising families in other coutries can't be wrong. More will follow.

[Some guy]

@Paul Carr,

I lol'd at your PPP statistics. Try nominal GDP stats next time.

US: $13,194,700,000,000
China: $2,644,642,000,000

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_GDP_%28nominal%29

[ABC]

@nanheyangrouchuan & tank man:

I was just quoting from the latest book by Kishore Manhubani. It gives you a different Asian perspective on China. The author is an Indian author based in Singapore. The fuss is all about the clash of civilizations. You guys may be living in the West, but humanity does include those people in South East Asia.

[ABC]

@nanheyangrouchuan & tank man:

I was just quoting from the latest book by Kishore Manhubani. It gives you a different Asian perspective on China. The author is an Indian author based in Singapore. The fuss is all about the clash of civilizations. You guys may be living in the West, but humanity does include those people in South East Asia.

[Paul Carr]

@Some guy

Why are you laughing? Are you suggesting that the nominal GDP stats are more accurate than those that take into account purchasing power parity? I don't think so. I think the nominal GDP stats are very inaccurate. If the nominal GDP stats are more accurate. How come?

[Joey Zhang]

As a Chinese who has lived abroad, has enabled me to see both sides of the 'east' vs 'west' issue. Many westerners give China far more credit than they deserve. They see China through rose-tinted glass just because some people are getting richer over there, but the sad reality is that there are far too many people who are becoming poorer too. The divide is more pronounced in the cities.

The average salary is only about $1000 yearly, and as the the cost of living rises -price of fuel in China is more expensive than America - things are going to get a lot worse.

Not to mention other problems such as desertification, corruption, and people migrating overseas for a better life. Not only America has eight times more useful land capacity than China (most people in China have forced to flock to major cities to live because the inner parts of China aren't suitable for building cities unlike in America where almost all of the land is utilized), they also have highest average income in the world according to the latest figures - about $50K.

And in about 50 years as the world population climbs from 6 billion to 7. America will surpass China in population power... many of which are Chinese who have become Americans of 3rd/4th generations. The China population expansion has reached it's limit, but America still retains more potential to grow even further.. and that's scary!

[Joey Zhang]

To Yang Bao, I can understand why some Chinese feel ashamed and angry at the western people (Caucasions); we Chinese have been on earth for thousands of years; almost as long as the Greeks, but have failed to invent TV, computers, airplanes, cars, electricty and basically all the modern things that white people have bestowed upon us. Not to mention the fact that millions of our fellow Chinese have gone abroad to live, learn and breed.

So everytime, we drive a car, wear a buisness suit, fly in aircraft, use internet, electrical appliance, telephone you can understand that we become angry, envious and hateful that we did not invent these things first - it's a harsh reality we have to deal with daily. That's why we Chinese always have to reassure ourselves by claiming "I'm Chinese and proud of it", in order to regain our dignity somehow. It's like saying "I'm gay and proud of it", a defense mechanism.

My advice to other Chinese is that instead of being angry and hateful towards the white people, we should admire them for their courage of invention and expansion of their land discoveries... after all they are fulfilling the true human nature of exploration. We Chinese did not do what they did, but it's no use to go back in time to change things because it's impossible. What has already happened is written in history forever.

[bemis]

YangBao, JoeyZhang: Glad you are flourishing overseas. And many thanks to CCP for enabling you to flourish. Before the CCP? "Chinks" were despised subhumans. (Much like you both!)

[Qu2004]

bemis, you are proof that Chinese hate their own.

[antony]

Ugh...I am wondering if Yang Bao and Joey Zhang are real Chinese... I have been living and traveling to many countries too (as Yang Bao), but I don't think the free press is as appealing, or shocking as you decribed. Yes, you got 100+ channels, but people just choose to watch what the want to watch.

Republicans watch Fox and democrats watch ABC. Few people can think independently and critically. Talking about this, the US is a huge propaganda machine, not doing a better job than China.

And of course, you guys can humiliate yourselves, it's your own business. But please don't speak for Chinese. Admittedly, many Chinese migrate to the US, but do they go there for free press?

Joey is trying to justify the colonization for (some of the) white people? That is disgusting, and racist. Seriously, I doubt your identity. Yeah, we didn't invent telephones or internet, but you are just looking at a limited period time of history. When we were printing books, Europeans were still writing on sheep skins... I don't know if they were ashamed at that time.

[bemis]

Qu2004: WRONG. I am pro-China, being Chinese. Therefore I thank the CCP & PLA, for saving China & its people.

I dislike (not "hate") pompous jackasses ONLY, whatever their nationality, & that includes Chinese jackasses.

[ad45634]

Joey Zhang, I hope you're not posting from China, otherwise you could be executed by the government, even though what you'd posted about China and Chinese view is quite true. I'm Chinese too.