A typical day of fear

We encounter so many violent incidents everyday not only in the district we live in but everywhere in Iraq, every passing day there is something new to worry about, sometimes I wonder where I have the patience and the courage to take me to the next day.

Every night I have to exhaust myself by working or cleaning to go to sleep and even when I go to sleep I will not rest either from the nightmares or the worry about the mortars or the attacks against our neighborhood during the night.

I am not going to talk about this today I will not talk about the car bombs the assassinations or the home made bomb that I just missed again this morning as I was coming to work it was only a 100 meters away I felt the impact on my chest and the sound piercing my ear drums I took a look back I saw heavy smoke and a police SUV turning over, as we were trying to escape the chaos of the moment where all vehicles were trying to escape the bomb aftermath of random shooting I remembered what my friend have told me few days ago he said “if you can hear the sound of the bomb it means you are fine and alive but when you don’t it means you are already too close and might be in the other world.” I thanked god for my safety and was thinking to myself about all the what ifs? I thought about my daughter who is only 16 months old I thought who will look after her about my husband who asked me last night weather it was time to stop being on the streets and going to work I couldn’t help but to see this morning as warning to stop being so heroic, I have every reason to be targeted by now I am working in the journalism field in Iraq I am neutral and politically independent why should I exist anymore most people like me have either been killed or have left the country.

There are only now two extreme sides in Iraq you have to support either one and conform to their own rules. If you don’t you have anyone to look after you have to find a place where you can be politically independent. There is no place for moderation in Iraq now.

I didn’t want to talk about the bombs today it is considered a boring story now it is not even news anymore it is not news unless more then 30 people are killed in a single attack so what I wanted to talk about is the result of these bombing on our daily living.

The enormous amount of fear we bare carrying out even the simplest activity.

When I am on the street my body goes numb from fear every time an American convoy a police vehicle passes by or when we drive by a university or a crowded market place or a hospital or a ministry or sometimes even a simple street intersection these are all targets. And so the people around them.

Yesterday I went down to a supermarket when I saw an Iraqi army convoy approach the street that I wanted to cross, I got so nervous I really had a feeling that the parked taxi is going to detonate targeting the convoy, I ran to hide in one of the shops, it was a long convoy and I was thinking if not this vehicle the next or the next until the last, I felt so silly when the convoy passed and the men in the shop stared and smiled … I felt that I will need a lot of time to get rid of these fears if I ever live in peace.

Comments

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I wish so much for your safety. Thank you so much for being a brave soul and reporting your lives' daily encounters. I do pray for peaceful days ahead for you and for my http://www.batteryfast.co.uk future husband who is stationed in Iraq. My door is always open to you, my friend. Be safe. Thank you so much for your effort and strong will.

[TuiMel]

Your safety, and that of your family, is the most important thing. But, I read this blog everyday,and I am interested in all you write. The stories do not become boring. They only deepen my sense that I must change the policies of my government. Although I am not a religious person, I pray for better days for the Iraqi people. That is - quite literally - the least I can do.

[carrie]

I wish so much for your safety. Thank you so much for being a brave soul and reporting your lives' daily encounters. I do pray for peaceful days ahead for you and for my future husband who is stationed in Iraq. My door is always open to you, my friend. Be safe. Thank you so much for your effort and strong will.