A typical day of fear

We encounter so many violent incidents everyday not only in the district we live in but everywhere in Iraq, every passing day there is something new to worry about, sometimes I wonder where I have the patience and the courage to take me to the next day.

Every night I have to exhaust myself by working or cleaning to go to sleep and even when I go to sleep I will not rest either from the nightmares or the worry about the mortars or the attacks against our neighborhood during the night.

I am not going to talk about this today I will not talk about the car bombs the assassinations or the home made bomb that I just missed again this morning as I was coming to work it was only a 100 meters away I felt the impact on my chest and the sound piercing my ear drums I took a look back I saw heavy smoke and a police SUV turning over, as we were trying to escape the chaos of the moment where all vehicles were trying to escape the bomb aftermath of random shooting I remembered what my friend have told me few days ago he said “if you can hear the sound of the bomb it means you are fine and alive but when you don’t it means you are already too close and might be in the other world.” I thanked god for my safety and was thinking to myself about all the what ifs? I thought about my daughter who is only 16 months old I thought who will look after her about my husband who asked me last night weather it was time to stop being on the streets and going to work I couldn’t help but to see this morning as warning to stop being so heroic, I have every reason to be targeted by now I am working in the journalism field in Iraq I am neutral and politically independent why should I exist anymore most people like me have either been killed or have left the country.

There are only now two extreme sides in Iraq you have to support either one and conform to their own rules. If you don’t you have anyone to look after you have to find a place where you can be politically independent. There is no place for moderation in Iraq now.

I didn’t want to talk about the bombs today it is considered a boring story now it is not even news anymore it is not news unless more then 30 people are killed in a single attack so what I wanted to talk about is the result of these bombing on our daily living.

The enormous amount of fear we bare carrying out even the simplest activity.

When I am on the street my body goes numb from fear every time an American convoy a police vehicle passes by or when we drive by a university or a crowded market place or a hospital or a ministry or sometimes even a simple street intersection these are all targets. And so the people around them.

Yesterday I went down to a supermarket when I saw an Iraqi army convoy approach the street that I wanted to cross, I got so nervous I really had a feeling that the parked taxi is going to detonate targeting the convoy, I ran to hide in one of the shops, it was a long convoy and I was thinking if not this vehicle the next or the next until the last, I felt so silly when the convoy passed and the men in the shop stared and smiled … I felt that I will need a lot of time to get rid of these fears if I ever live in peace.

Definition

Since I was a little kid I tried to learn English, so I started to educate my self by reading books, listening to songs in English language and working hard to find their meanings in dictionaries.

Now a day I seize the chance to ask my Iraqi and American colleagues about the meaning of words, especially about words which start to give different meanings because language develops.

Now I feel confused about the word racist, I started to think about it since along time but I decided to write about it when I saw some footage of Iraqi victims of unknown dead bodies which are totally disfigured, although I know what the word racist means but I am afraid it could have a different meaning specially when I listen to Mr. George W Bush speeches, so this time I wish if he can tell me what is it mean.

When you talk about 9/11 and how you should fight the terrorist in Iraq to keep America safe, you kept repeating that in different ways and you keep raising the fear inside the Americans from another 9/11.!!!

But excuse me Mr. President, isn’t that racist?

With all respect to American people and am totally understand their right to protect their nation,

But you are having that war in my cities and towns, among the civilians!

What is the result so far? How many 9/11 have we had?

Mr. President you did it, you protected your nation,

But you brought us every day 9/11.

Do you read the news every day? Tens of dead bodies found in Baghdad, car bombs every where, and tens of casualties.

Is that the way to keep your people safe?

What about my people? Are they not important as your people? Isn’t that racist?

You are happy because your people are safe, without feeling sorry for my people, isn’t that racist?

If your people are more important than Iraqis, what other meaning this word can carry if not being racism!

I think I should not continue, because if so I will ask about the meaning of the word "shame"!

Friends

Day after day, I loose more people I know either because they die or because they leave Iraq. I almost became so afraid of having new friends. In the bureau where I work since the first of July last year, I used to a very nice group of people whom I really feel real friends. Again, I’m loosing them one by one. I feel so sad because I’m 37 years old and its really hard for a man in my age to find friends.

The security situation is stealing my friends. One of the friends whom I really love went to a foreign country. Another two will leave so soon by Allah will for a better place and a fourth one is working so hard to leave with her family and I pray she can do it. I don’t want to talk about those who were killed because some people may not believe that they were killed simply because they were journalists and honestly I’m afraid to think that I may be killed one day for the same reason. Can anybody imagine that being journalists in Iraq is a crime for the terrorists and many of the insurgents and extremists groups? This crazy country is stealing my friends and I’m afraid that I wake up one day to find that I lost my humanity. I just cant describe my feelings because I think I lost them because of the abnormal circumstances I live in.

The Holly Muharram this year

The new Islamic year has come up to start with Muharam the holly month, it came and brought with it memories that goes back to 25 years ago when we were welcoming it with big joy and happiness, though in the tenth of it, we mourn the anniversary of the holly Imam Hussein’s death, but when you watch people, preparing and collecting wood pieces, big pots, kilos of wheat and meat, ready to stay the whole night cooking outside their doors, sunnis and Shiites, would sit outside and chat, help their wives in cooking, remember the story of Imam al Hussein, and listen to Quran, till first lights of dawn would rise on them, without even feeling sleepy for one second, and sometimes they would remember funny tales and stories and burst into laughing, till the big pots of Harrisa is done.

Children would inaugurate their morning knocking the doors distributing the Harrisa dishes, you would find each house refrigerator and kitchen fill with dishes from all houses, and you would wake up on the radios sound telling the story of the Imam’s death coming from all houses, flags everywhere of different colours on the roofs of the houses, everybody are more helpful at that day rather than any other day, and you would taste and feel the soul of kindness and sympathy prevailed everywhere.

It was so special days, you feel the sweet sorrow, like a festival but it is not in fact.

Few kids two days ago were setting the flags over each house, other houses didn’t because they were empty, their owners are Sunni and they had to flee from the neighborhood since its Shiite, few have bought few kilos of wheat and intend to cook inside their houses out of preserving the on going tradition, and I don’t think they will be able the stay the night awake busy in cooking ceremonies!! Curfew is one of the reasons which have put an end to almost all the beautiful things in our lives, we have lost the sacred fragrance and taste of those days, heavy burdens took place.

Where is our neighbors we used to share everything with them?, they are all gone and the beautiful things have disappeared with them, what we have now in the area are strangers displaced from other parts of Baghdad or provinces and came to stay here, or empty houses which are waiting to be occupied by other strangers.

One of our neighbors knocked our door, I went out to see what she wants, when an old woman with her husband walked by, my neighbor greeted them with suspicious eyes, and the woman replied with fearful look and short cold answer “hi”, my neighbor turned to me and whispered “they are sunnis”

A smaller circle

Everyday this circle of security is getting smaller and smaller I am afraid one day there will be no place in Baghdad secured because the Iraqi security forces and the government are busy protecting themselves and don’t have the ability to protect us. KARADA area was the most secured area in Baghdad until recently but not anymore. Just the other day I was shopping with my family I saw something that I never thought about …. A mini bus stopped in front of me while I was walking by the roadside and one man was on his way to get inside the minibus but before getting in another man stepped down from the minibus and search him incase he is wearing a suicide vest or holding any guns , I couldn't believe it first and I thought it was some kind of a joke but I was wrong and said to myself ' I have been too busy hearing and watching news and forgot how people dealing with everyday life on the streets'. Again the other day my neighborhood was attacked by a militia and it was very dangerous for me to go back home , my wife phoned me and asked me to spend the night at my office , it was the first time I had to spend the night away from home since my wife gave birth last month I was sick and worried about my family but at the same time it was another motive for my wife to consider leaving iraq.

When Baghdad gets smaller

I was on my day off, usually when I have the day off, I would previously prepared for it and set a schedule for the thousands of things that need to be done, unfortunately most of them should be done outside.

My mom saw me dressed up; ready to go, she asked, “where are going zaineb?” I told her that I need to send my daughter to the dentist.

“No, his clinic is in Mansour, it’s terribly dangerous there” I said ok then I will change the plan and set to the market to buy some stuff I need.

“No you can not go there, a car bomb has detonated this morning and killed many, its dangerous place” she was extremely worried about me, beside I don’t want to jeopardize my life and set to a place which has turned into a grave yard!!

Again I changed the plan and decided to set to go and visit my sister, she lives in south Baghdad, but this time my father said “no you can not go, haven’t you heard the militias are attacking everybody there, its dangerous, please do not go” and again it was ok with me since I don’t want to risk my life, beside I can call my sister and see how she is doing,

I was trying to do many things, but then I release that I can not go anywhere in Baghdad, and guarantee my safety.

Its shocking when some new and bad incidents would creep its way to your life and you don’t feel it, though you are living it minute by minute, a shocking fact that the more days you live the more Baghdad gets smaller for you, the more you get chained,

I wonder if I can visit my friend who lives next door in the few coming months!!

No life to live

There are hundreds of reasons why people are fleeing from iraq yesterday was another bloody day in Baghdad were the MUSTANSIRIYAH university was targeted by two explosions , after what happened yesterday I don’t think students will go back to that university or other universities , education in iraq is dieing so slowly and not only in Baghdad for example in diyala province the university of diyala is been shut down since last October because of the chaos and crazy violence , I considered my self lucky because my family had to send my sister to Jordan to study at one of the universities even though it is very expensive but we had no choice but what about others who cannot afford !!!

I have been waiting since 2003 when my country was occupied until this year for things to get better in my country but its taking forever and no one can predict when will it end that’s why I made my decision to leave but I am facing hard time convincing my wife to leave because she doesn’t like the idea for many reasons but I see the reasons everyday just the other day I was playing some music and trying to have fun with my son but I was surprised from the non reactions from my son I was trying to make him enjoy the music and dance but for a seconds I said to my self when was the last time my son was invited to a birthday party when was the last time he enjoyed himself with other kids ... well I don’t remember so I shouldn’t blame him at all.

Because there is no life in iraq not anymore.

Harder crises, stronger ties

Huda is a dear friend of mine, lives in Muwasalat neighborhood south Baghdad, she is that kind of girl when you can hardly catch her living in hard time, may be because she is always looks at the bright side of life, and has extra dose of optimism, probably because she has great faith in Allah, or because she derives her strength from the idea that things are changeable and nothing would last for ever.

As far as I know, she has been stocked in her neighborhood since two weeks, can not get out since the armed men have a full control over the area streets and have taken some of the houses as their bases to watch, attack and shoot.

But Huda knocked my door that day, she was in my neighborhood! I felt so glad to see her anticipating that the siege is over, or she might have left since the majority of families are leaving their neighborhoods looking for safer ones.

“How are you hayati, how is your family, how is it going?” I asked her anxiously, she answered that they are still under siege, “then how did you get here?”

She burst into laughing “Oh, I took the roofs road; I have to go to the bank to issue the passport receipt”

And then she started telling me about strange and funny way people have invented to facilitate their life and easy things on them since the siege obviously is going to stay for a long time.

People have made openings in the fences of their roofs, so if they want to go to the streets a head or behind or leave the neighborhood by reaching to the main road, they can do this easily.

The fight and crises have made ties stronger among them, where you can see a beautiful social texture; first they have started to fight defending their areas with the simplest weapons they would find, and if they reached to the limit of being blocked off in their own areas, they turn to be inventors ... create a new aerial communication system.

If Huda wants to do some shopping, she would go to her house roof; and to the other, till she reached to the targeted street!!! “Isn’t that wonderful, kind of change” she nodded with her head happily.

More than that, what makes it extraordinary experience that you would never forget is when the families feel bored at the winter nights, no electricity to watch TV. they would take their kids and gather in one house, warming one or two rooms, chatting with each other, drinking ”Chy” (Iraqi tea), on the lamps light till sleep haunted them.

Huda left my house, happy to see me and my kids a life, telling me to call her if I need anything!! Isn’t she great, caring and brave?

A cigarette could really kill you in Iraq!

I tried to leave the hotel at night to buy some cigarettes, when one of the hotel security guys took me a side and asked me where I was going?

I told him that I was going to buy some cigarettes from the corner shop, he smiled and said "No go back." I found that strange and asked him why?

He said "believe me and go back" I questioned him again?, he then informed me that there was some thing fishy going on out side, and that there were three cars driving back and forth in front of the hotel, the guard told me that they had stopped the car and asked them what they were doing in the neighborhood?"

(Because after dark you don't find cars driving because of the security situation and only militia forces will move around looking for random Sunni targets)

They told him that they are looking for some one called Omar!!

Guess what my name is?

I think I might stop smoking!!

Waiting for Godot

Today the Iraqi government announced that the half brother of Saddam and one of aides were hanged and all the world channels showed reports about the important event as they believe but is it really important for Iraqis to know that a former regime man was hanged? Do Iraqis care about that? To be more accurate, I should ask what do we care about? do people who suffer of the cooking gas shortage care about Saddam’s half brother execution? Do people who don’t have kerosene to fire their kerosene heaters care about Saddam’s aid death? Do people who have electricity power for only one hour a day care about Saddam’s followers’ death? And the most important question is (do people who loose more than 50 young men a day care about an old criminal execution?) I think I will wait too long to hear the answers of my questions, not from the Iraqi or the Americans citizens but from their clever brilliant and HONEST PATERIOTIC BRAVE political leaders. Im sure my waiting will be like “waiting for Godot”